Monday, October 5, 2009

Where's My Compass!?

There are really only a few things that confuse me. At this point in my life they are the inner workings of organic chemistry and boys. And not necessarily in that order.

Does my tea have a green tint in it? Swear it does right now.

I digress.

Considering I just woke up from an hour and a half nap and have Serenity playing in the background because I'm, once again, simultaneously working on my homework and blogging while having background noise because otherwise my Focus won't have a damn thing to stay grounded to.

Which is kind of like me, at the moment. I'm wondering what exactly I'm grounded to.

I feel so lost in this mountain of crap that's going on - homework, classes, my teaching placement twice a week - and I think I just need this week to be over because I need fall break to just breathe and, in some ways, catch up. To make things even crazier, toss in a boy.

Now, even on my good days, they confuse me. Just like most men say, "I don't understand women," yes, well, the reciprocal is true for us. We just don't get you, sometimes. Because, whether you like to believe it or not, some of us aren't all the confident ones you see in class, willing to set aside our self-consciousness about our bodies and what's normal and everything else to do a simple sound and motion exercise in acting. Especially in front of people we don't know. You'd think it would be easier, because we don't know the people we're in there with. In a way, it's not easier. Because all we have are first-impressions of each other that painful first week, and sometimes it takes a little longer to get comfortable with the people you eventually have to act like a squirrel around. I believe I've passed that point a while ago (about two and a half weeks, to be exact) but this right is throwing me for a loop.

Maybe I'm just dense. It's been said before. Hell, I'll even say it about myself, right along with some days my common sense takes a vacation with my Focus and my motivation. I think they head off to slightly quieter places, maybe with less stress and general craziness.

Text messages. Yeah, I know, non-sequential and all that crap, but really, are your thought-processes in perfect sequence with one another? Really? Then you might need some serious mental overhaul. If yours aren't, then you probably followed my logic perfectly. If you didn't find any logic in the beginning of this paragraph, then you're also correct because there isn't any. Spock would not approve, Kirk would hug me.

So. Text messages. From a boy. From a boy who is currently not anywhere in proximity to me, sober, and, for all intents and purposes, really liking me. Which, if you know me, and I think some of you who do and who are getting to, would be freaking me out majorly. There is really little doubt, I think, and from my Kirk and my best friend who was witness to all of this on one crazy ride back to college last night (who also has boy issues of her own - she's sort of solving hers today, while simultaneously being like me and trying not to run and hide) then it's pretty clear where he stands. But the little voice in the back of my head asks me, "Is he serious?" Which, I think, happens because I've been hurt before. So hurt. Hell, ask me on a bad day if I want to attend the possibly baby shower of my real first semi-longtime relationship who's now married and might be poppin' out a kid sometime soon, and I'll get that look in my eye that says step away before I do something semi-violent or dissolve into tears.

To say I'm confused is a freaking understatement. Because I don't know if he's serious or not. A large part of me believes that he wouldn't joke with something like this, the messages he's sent. But, again, the little annoying voice in the back of my mind says, "It might be a joke, he might be kidding."

And because I don't know what he means (though I'm having people tell me his intentions are pretty clear and that I'm being dense and skittish) I'm kind of lost.

Lost, dazed, confused, you name it, I'm feeling it. Along with this giddy feeling deep inside that says, "Somebody likee you..."

Still. "No day but Today." - RENT

1 comment:

HaB said...

You killing me smalls - Your killing me!

"The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't."

-Joseph L. Mankiewicz