Thursday, October 22, 2009


I walk a fine line at the moment, somewhere between peace, prosperity, and all that bullshit, with heartbreak and general life on the other side.

I think everything is just happening at once, which, let's face it, when things like that happen you have no control over them. But it's a little much. And maybe I'm having a hard time handling it, but this is the third time this week that I have wanted simply to burst into tears.

And right now, after a thoroughly horribly chemistry exam which, quite frankly, I really do not want to talk about, I'm ready to take this boy situation (read "asshat") and try to get that figured out once and for freaking all, because that's part of what's driving me up the wall. The signals (which, let's face it, I can be quite dense sometimes, but I think this is pretty clear. If not, I'll come back tonight, get in the car, and immediately head for Wegman's for another pint of Ben and Jerry's and head to Em's for a session of RENT. Let's home it doesn't go there.) are, like I said, pretty clear, I think, and I really need to figure this out before I completely lose my sanity, or what little of it is left.

I have never quit anything in my life, a fact that I am quite proud of. But, in all honesty, so far my lovely self-conscious-doubt has kicked into overdrive, and has left me wondering if I can do this. It's not like I'm not trying, but, maybe this is like soccer (which, in case you didn't know, I went through all of pre-season and then was told that I was not fit enough to play at that level and to take the season off and work on my fitness, which, for someone who has played every season since she was 4, was a bit much to take) and my best just isn't enough. At the same time that I think that, I look at some of the people that I go to school with here, and think, "How the hell did you get into college, let alone this one?" Just the fact that I go into the school I go to should say something, but...I know everybody has self-doubt, but this is ridiculous. I'm not at the point where I just want to pack the car and go home because that's like giving up. Like quitting. And I've never quite anything before in my life, and I don't intend to start now, but damn it, it's difficult.

It's like somebody drop-kicked me into the middle of a field hockey game, and, while I have a vague notion of what's going on, I never seem to be completely with it. I get more than a few good hits, but it's a struggle. It's a constant struggle.

And I don't even want to think about what life would be like with the health issues that I faced last year. Don't even want to go down that road, thank you very much.

What also confuses me are the people that I live with. I don't have a roommate (I have a potted houseplant named Henry, that's close enough) but I live with about fifteen other girls. Most of them are freshman. And currently, coming from the other end of the hall, is loud music, and voices. Like a party, or a get-together of some sort. It's Thursday. Do they not have work to do? I swear, I never see them doing anything. Never see them doing work. They always chill out in the room, either with their roommate or with boys from the other floors. I'm confused by this. Is it because I'm in the science department and the education program and simply got buried this semester or are they simply freakin' geniuses? (Logically, if I listen to Spock, they can't be geniuses because the one of them has been caught multiple times for drinking and smoking (not just cigarettes) in the dorm and was once heard bitching that her bong got taken away, to which, the people that she had been caught with, offered to chip in a few dollars to help replace it.)

There's a part of me that will take over sometime in the near future, shoulder all of this with some great inner strength, grit her teeth, and she-man her way through the rest of the semester like a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest with something to prove. This is the fight in me. The part that will eventually kick the rest of me into something resembling an action plan and go forth into the world and show them all what exactly I'm made of. It will be hard, there will be more tears, and the part of me that's freaking out now (and probably will be freaking out then, too, like always) will sit back and go, "Holy shit."

But even strong one's are allowed to freak out, right? We're allowed to cry every once in a while, aren't we? We can't all be BAMF's, all the time, can we?

No, we can't. But we can sure as hell try to.

I think it'll take a lot more tears, some more pints of Half Baked, and possibly a little ranting to my wonderful followers here, but I think I can do this. And if "I think I can, I think I can" worked for The Little Engine That Could and children all around the world in tons of different language, then I think it can work for a college student who's at the end of her proverbial rope.

Now, if you excuse me, I think I have some carboxylic acid derivatives to read up on.

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"The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't."

-Joseph L. Mankiewicz