Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Middle of Nowhere, Slightly to the Left

Some days I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere, slightly out in left field, and completely unprepared for anything to be thrown my way. And while some would argue that's how life is meant to be lived, sometimes it's not as great as it's cracked up to be.

So, right now, after a long Wednesday in which I'm just sitting here, at my laptop in my fourth floor single (which, psychologically should say something, I think, just don't ask me) with some Starbucks chai/cider steamed creation thing (that's absolutely delicious, by the way, and the best way to warm up) it's got me thinking. And thinking, for me, sometimes is good, and sometimes leads to many, many other issues that need to stay particularly buried.

I've got great friends. I was lucky enough to find some real keepers in high school, but I found some outstanding ones in college, too. And they aren't on the soccer team. I'm not lacking in that department, I'd even go so far as to say that I'm lucky, especially when I was so sick last year and they helped me through. Especially the two weeks I went no dairy products - at the end of my two weeks (when the doctor's figured out that dairy didn't make a damn difference) we went to Friendly's to celebrate, and they bought me the 12 scoop party bowl. And then helped me eat it. These are the girls that I go to when I've got problems, and I just need to talk, veg, or a shoulder to cry on. They're damn close to family, if not all the way there.

So, I took a Facebook thingy - one about the week you were born. As you can probably figure out from the very name of my blog, I'm a sagittarius. I love it. I really do think it fits me to the letter. This is what was posted at the end of clicking on my birthday five times in a row.

"You are hard to control and in many ways one of the most independent of people. You ...must feel free to act on your impulses and intuition. Honor and trust are high on your list of priorities and you believe in fairness for yourself and others. You have a strong nurturing side when it comes to animals and children and the less fortunate. You often act impulsively to protect the defenseless. You try to project an air of self assurance and confidence but underneath you are sensitive and insecure. You have enormous willpower and are immensely loyal. You are often unreasonable but do not balk at an open discussion. You are witty and enjoy debate. You have a great need to give rather then receive. You only open up to a few people and share your innermost thoughts. Strengths: Honorable – Intuitive – Responsible Weaknesses: Over Competitive – Impulsive – Temperamental ."

I don't have any issue embracing this, and those who know me will sit there, read it, and go, "Yeah, that's Louise all right." I guess the point I'm trying to make is stated really clearly in almost the exact middle of this explanation of sorts. "You try to project an air of self assurance and confidence but underneath you are sensitive and insecure." Maybe not so much insecure as afraid, afraid of what will happen, can happen, and has the potential to happen. I've got the courage - the semi-stupid shit I've done over the years, the way I sometimes leap before I look will give you that. Like, the comment I made to one of my friends at dinner tonight when our mutual friend, one of my closest ones, was sitting with the guy she's currently crushing on. Automatic response out of my mouth: "He breaks her heart, I'll break his nose." To which my friend looks at me and deadpans "You know he's a black belt, right?"

Some people say you need courage to share your writing. I love to share what I'm working on. Do I get butterflies sometimes when someone else that I don't know very well is reading it for the first time? Hell yes, but it's a bigger joy for them to read it and comment back to me than it is for me to stand there and freak out about whether or not I should have shared in the first place. Another one of those leap first, look later things.

With some things, like men, for instance, it's vastly different. Sometimes it's a struggle to not clam up and become quiet. I saw the guy I have a massive crush on, mostly because of his athletic skills (seriously, that's a majority of the attraction) and partly because he's absolutely adorable (in a Murphy sort of way, if you know what I mean). But will I ever the courage to say anything to him? Probably not. Will I almost always be a fish out of water when approached with anything like that? Most likely. But it doesn't sit well with me. Never has, never will. It's almost like my courage takes a backseat and self-conscious nervousness comes out in spades. And I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. Fight that feeling. It's not a particularly good one to have. Makes you doubt yourself, which is never good.

So, while in some cases I might in the middle looking out and around, in other cases, I'm in the middle of nowhere, slightly to the left. If somebody could drop me a map and a compass that would be fantastic. And maybe some cookies, too.

No comments:

"The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense, and life doesn't."

-Joseph L. Mankiewicz